Love addiction is a strong passion, a dependence on a person. Love addiction is not a type of love. It is a type of co-dependency, just like addiction to drugs, alcohol, virtual fortune-telling, or slot machines.
Despite this, many people mistake addiction for love. And they sincerely believe that pain is a property of love, when in fact it is a property of addiction. Actually, this is one of the main difficulties in treating love addiction: as long as a person perceives his heartache as a manifestation of his love, he does not want to get rid of it. Because real love is worth the suffering!
There are several forms of love addiction.
Loss of one’s own individuality and the desire to maintain attachment through the substitution of one’s psychological territory by the partner’s territory. Often the co-dependent gives up his friends, his interests, his goals, and begins to live the life of the significant Other. “Without you there is no me.” The partner is placed in the position of the Parent, the co-dependent – in the role of the Child in the early stage of life, when he is completely dependent on the mother. “I am a part of you.” Here masochistic tendencies can be realized.
Seizure of the partner’s individuality and his personal boundaries, his psychological territory. The co-dependent himself becomes in the position of the Parent and out of this a behavior characterized by super-control is born. An example of such dependence can be compulsive jealousy. The partner’s right to self-determination and personal choices is not recognized. The co-dependent seeks to maintain attachment through the desire to realize “ideal care”, to become irreplaceable.
Aggressive destruction of the partner’s psychological territory. “You are only part of me.” Sadistic tendencies can be realized here. Through the destruction and total suppression of the partner’s individuality, the co-dependent seeks to fill the emptiness of his ego, to extend his boundaries beyond himself.
Co-dependent people have difficulty acknowledging their addiction and often prefer to hold on to their ideas of what love is. And they have it equal to suffering.
We cling to those old feelings, even if they bring us suffering, just as alcohol and drug addicts cling to the drug, realizing that they are ruining themselves.Even if on a logical level we have realized that it is not worth trying to win back a partner, that this relationship does not bring happiness, it is not enough. Because on the level of emotions we still want to return to the former relationship, despite the fact that the partner’s behavior clearly does not indicate respect and love for us. Thus, there is a split man: “the mind everything I understand, but I can not do anything with myself.
Why is it “I can not”? Because I do not know how to control my feelings, I do not know how to control myself. Many times we have heard: “Believe the heart, it will not deceive. And in fact, feelings are deceptive. By the way, psychological addiction is more serious for women, particularly because women are more susceptible to the influence of feelings than men, more inclined to give them completely.
In addition, previous feelings for the partner who left us, greatly reinforced by various kinds of fears. It would be more accurate to say that fears and feelings that overwhelm us mutually reinforce each other, a vicious circle. Fear of the future, fear of change, fear of loneliness, fear of the unknown and uncertainty…
Fears, including fear of reality, are a type of intrusive thoughts. They prevent us from living and being happy. So it is important for us to separate ourselves from these thoughts, to realize that these fears, these considerations are not mine. They come from outside, and we don’t need to accept them at all. On the contrary, we need to fight them. Read about this in the article Psychological and Spiritual Methods for Overcoming Intrusive Thoughts.
Learn to control feelings with your mind at all times. Do not allow emotions to return you to your previous unhealthy and extremely biased attitude toward the situation, and when emotions “attack” with reason, return yourself to the already formed sober view of the state of affairs. To do this, it is necessary to fight against intrusive thoughts, and often you will have to literally switch your attention to something more pleasant and “right” (this is individual).
A very good means of controlling emotions with the intellect is to have a “conversation” between the rational person and the sensual person (meaning the two people who live in each of us). The rational one asks questions to the sensual one, which tries to answer. The surprise for ourselves may be that there will probably be nothing to answer, so the emotional person himself will be forced to admit defeat, that is, reason will prevail over emotion, which is what we are trying to do.